Yeah, so.
I started this adventure with so much enthusiasm. Unfortunately, it's me - attention-deficit, highly sensitive, possibly high-functioning Asbergers - and even at age 51 I'm still learning how to make things happen that other people seem to accomplish so very easily. Like a daily Bible study.
I even had a piece of paper printed out with all 90 days of readings - can't go wrong with that! I love lists, lists make things happen and re-focus me. Usually.
Given the fact that I was diligent with Matthew, skimmed over Mark and glanced at Luke . . . I started the Gospel of John this morning. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God."
I memorized the first 5 verses of Chapter 1 when I was a kid (in King James, of course), and I've never forgotten the words about the Word. It's my favorite passage in the Bible, I think. Even "The Lord is my shepherd" doesn't do it for me, although it's a lovely and relevant Psalm for most of my life's circumstances. And the Lord's Prayer is lovely, concise and applicable, but since becoming half-Catholic/half-Protestant, it sometimes confuses me whether there are those extra words at the end or not.
But John 1:1-5 speak to me of a real God, someone who is absolutely perfect and God the Son, Jesus, who lived and died and rose again just for me. Well, for all of us, but this is personal. Isn't that great tho? That everyone can make the Gospel a very personal thing?
I stand in awe that the actual Word of God, the creator of the universe who dwelt in our midst - that this same Lord knows me personally and loves me unconditionally.
I'm not always on target in my life. I lose focus so easily, get angry very quickly and lose sight of the big picture most of the time. Everything that happens to me seems to be personal and under the word "paranoid" in the dictionary is my picture. They really ARE all out to get me.
Not really, but some days my mouth gets me into incredible trouble and I wonder if everyone around me is hearing to all the crap that comes flowing out and judging me. I think I'm the only church choir director who lets out the (more than) occasional F-bomb. Don't tell my choir members, some of them are really old ladies!
I don't like not being in control, but that's what seems to be the way my life goes most of the time. Even when I make serious plans, everything else crowds in around me. I ask for help, God gives it to me, then I'm distracted by that shiny thing over there and I forget that I'm supposed to be letting God help me.
But the God of the Universe - the Living Word - the God who is More than Enough - He loves me. He will never leave me. He is good to me, no matter how everyone else is treating me - He is NOT out to get me.
I love the Gospel of John. Of all the Gospels, this one is the one that speaks so deeply to my heart. Maybe because it was written by Jesus' closest friend on earth, the man He trusted the care of His mother to when He left. John was not a perfect man - he got into trouble just like Peter, wanted Jesus to give him a seat at His right hand, was frightened when they took Jesus away, hid in the upper room until Pentecost - all of this is John, the one they call Beloved.
I am such a rotten Christian some days. I run and hide. I talk before I think. I can curse like a sailor given half the chance. I judge others on sight and rarely take the time to reflect on my own foibles. But God loves me. He will never leave me. He cries and laughs and picks me up when I fall. I am glad.
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