Adult Autism in the over-50's Population

There isn't a lot out there for us. Most Autism resources are geared toward children and teens, with a few addressing the growing population that has aged out of school and is learning independence.

I never got that. 

And I'm sure most neuro-divergent people over the age of 30 have had the same problem - no one wants to hear that there's an issue, they mostly just want us to fit into their idea of "grown-up".

I grew up very fast when I had my first child. I was a single mom at the age of 21 and I had to struggle to find and keep a job while finding daycare and emotional support. I managed, mostly, but with a lot of help from my oldest brother and my younger brother and his wife/girlfriend. When I met my ex-husband, I was living on my brother's couch and the baby's crib was in the living room next to me.

I also had people my age at church that didn't care if I was a single mom. Older folk, not so much. But I survived.

But between raising kids, being married and all the learning I had to do in order to function, it was quite the curve. It was a miracle that, without understanding the reason, my ex and I decided that being a stay-at-home mom was the best thing. And looking back, despite financial issues and finally the end of my marriage, I believe it was the right thing to do.

So I raised my kids, eventually pulling them out of public school and homeschooling them, not only for the sake of their education but because I also had trouble understanding the social cues of being a "PTA parent". I also couldn't understand the lack of proper education in the public school system, but that's another beef for another time.

I've mentioned before (long ago in another post) that I loved homeschooling. It was fun for me to organize everything, and fun to learn along with my kids. It wasn't fun that I had trouble recognizing my own neuro-diversity in my children. But homeschooling, in a way, celebrated that. Teaching to the individual instead of the group, something I wish I'd had in my childhood.

Unfortunately, after my divorce, I ended up putting my two youngest into public school, a decision I wish I hadn't had to make due to having to go back to work full-time to support them. My thought is that, of all my kids, my youngest would have thrived if he'd been able to continue to work independently. And my youngest daughter, it was very hard for her to adjust after only being homeschooled.

I wish I could have helped more. I made some very bad decisions during this time, both financially and socially, although everyone graduated high school on time, and I'm very proud of all my kids.

The point here is not me apologizing for everything I could have done better, but stating something that should have been obvious from the beginning: I am neuro-diverse and despite a long line of therapists and psychiatrists, it's only now that I'm discovering that.

And as I've said before, after 62 years, I've developed scripts, strategies and coping mechanisms in order to function in a society that says they support diversity but don't really mean it. That my neuro-diversity has finally been addressed is a validation of everything that went on before.

BTW, I checked into getting an "official" diagnosis - the least costly for an adult Autism diagnosis is $4500. Outrageous. So I stick with what my therapist and doctor have told me, take my meds as directed and try to get on with my life.

But the resources available are limited because I'm not a child, I survived my teens and twenties, went on to raise a family. People see that surface and don't believe anything other than I'm crazy (or that I don't have enough faith in God).

I'm not crazy. I'm not lazy. I'm not stupid. I do have enough faith in God (mustard seed quote here). But I see the world differently than you, react to it differently than you, get overwhelmed more easily than you, need down time more often than you.

I might look like you and have learned to act like you some of the time, but I'm not you. I have lived a generally good life, despite my own errors and being neuro-diverse. I hope someone who reads this might realize how wonderful they are in God's eyes even if they aren't 'normal'.

Isaiah 54:10: God's unconditional love is a promise to you of His compassion. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Invisible

Neuro-divergency is often ignored by both the person who is neuro-divergent and/or the people around that person. I've spoken before about how different people in my life have treated me over the years and how separate I've always felt.

In the interests of (fairly) full disclosure, I had to take several months off from work because of stress-related issues, and discovered several things about myself.

One, I was re-diagnosed yet again, and this time it actually makes sense. The diagnosis is, of course, ADHD and Autism. I think I already knew that, but it's nice to have it validated by a diagnosis. One of the diagnosis criteria tests scored me as 199 out of 163. That's a big number

Of course, being almost 62, I have spent years creating strategies and habits in order to present normal to the world; however, not a lot of people are willing to believe I'm not like them. They believe I just need to pull out of myself and get it together. 

Nope.

Here's a blog post from an adult on the spectrum about the true meaning of "high-functioning". She got it spot-on.

https://autisticempath.com/dont-call-me-high-functioning/

This is partly why going back to church has been so hard for me to do. The expectations of the other sinners can become both obnoxious and frightening. Having to sit outside the sanctuary just to be able to concentrate on the sermon, well that looks anti-social. 

The Church, especially Evangelicals, expect everyone to participate and don't understand the one person out of a hundred who can't do crowds, is sensitive to loud noise and needs something to keep their hands busy in order to listen better. My mother drew pictures, I crochet.

My Christianity has always, and will continue to be, about service. It's just that the older I get, the less I want to get stuck in any ministry that will wear me out emotionally. Lately, that's basically everything.

Anyhow, back to self-discovery.

Two, I spent a lot of time in both group and individual therapy. It is there that I realized that I don't actually have to live up to everyone else's expectations. I have been a people-pleaser all my life, going all the way back to trying to get my mother to actually love me.

And there's the rub - my mother, from going through my own issues and memory lane, was probably neuro-divergent. I can see that she probably never had the opportunity to learn some of the tools I have, and had a difficult time "fitting in" the same way I do. 

However, this doesn't mean she shouldn't have tried a little harder. 

That sounds petty, but the fact is, I was still the birth-control pill she forgot one morning. I was still "nervous jervis". I was still like my crazy grandmother. My brother and I were still the extra kids she never should have had.

I tried so very hard not to treat my children the way I was treated. I was not a perfect mother, I had my moments, as I'm sure my children will tell you. But I made a very conscious effort to love my children unconditionally. And none of them were mistakes - any mistakes were my own.

Three, I am creative, passionate and loving. A neuro-divergent diagnosis does not negate these qualities; they are a large part of who I am as a whole person. I am also abrupt, bossy, highly sensitive and a small-picture person. That is also me.

I y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.

Four, my neuro-divergence isn't an excuse, but it's also not an apology. I'm done people-pleasing, especially at work, now that I'm back.

I have put a lot of myself into my job, and even though I don't react the same way to situations as someone else might, it doesn't mean I don't care about my work, care that it's done accurately and to the best of my ability. I care about our population, I care that we have the resources to serve that community.

But my job is not your job, and I'm done doing your job for you. I'm done being the office mom (except when it comes to wiping down the front counter and changing the date stamp - that's the OCD)

I'm done.

Five, my children still love me. My daughters especially have been my support for the past 5 months. And I hope my sons know how much I love them, will always love all of them until my dying day.

That's pretty much all. I'm still struggling to make ends meet after being on extended disability, which barely covered the bills for a couple of months. But God is faithful, even when I'm hiding out at home on a Sunday morning.

Here's a verse to ponder:

2 Timothy 2:13

If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who he is.

God will always love me and take care of me.