It's getting easier, I hit a plateau in February, but March was completely off and April has been one stress after another. Work, choir, grandbabies, Easter without David - I've been feeling rather sorry for myself.
Fortunately, I do have people who love me. I just have to believe that in my heart, even though I know it in my brain.
It's been 4 months since David died. Sometimes I listen to recordings of his voice - we used to record Skype conversations sometimes and there's a message on my home phone answering machine from him that I will never erase.
I miss my friend David. And Easter was his favorite time of year for some reason - he loved Lent and the contemplation of his life, the pageantry of the Stations of the Cross and the incredible story of the Resurrection.
The Choir sang beautifully on Easter Sunday - only two songs, but the second one was a doozy and we got everyone clapping and cheering by the end. I'm waiting to see if the video is posted on the church website - if there was a video - there usually is.
After spending the day before coloring eggs with my girls and hanging out with my oldest son and daughter (missing my younger daughter and son, who are busy with work) - my daughter Claudia spent the night with me and we took the girls to church on Sunday. Everyone there was happy to see her after so long - she's busy with school and work and hasn't visited in a while.
Claudia and I always have fun hanging out together - but I missed Clara being a part of it, because I know she would have loved it too.
And I miss My David. He would have strolled through the store making rude comments about the frozen alligator legs and squids and chickens with their heads still attached. David would have talked about Belgian chocolate, the array of vegetables he'd only heard about, and teased me about how I wanted to start cooking everything right away.
As much as I love my kids and hanging out with them in odd places, this would have been a great way to spend Easter with My David.
But God's got something else for me to do, and I only hope He can forgive me for missing David so much as I try to work toward whatever the Lord has in mind.