Not Making Excuses

It's been several months since I've posted. Sorry about that, but it's been a rough year.

It also was a hot hot summer, which means my physical needs overlapped with my emotional needs. The heat made it harder to both think about and do most chores at home; and work has been chaos, per usual.

The fall hasn't been much better. My car (that I JUST paid off) decided to quit on me and I'm without reliable transportation.

In September I attended a family reunion and caught Covid from my un-vaccinated sister, who was visiting from Texas. 

The Covid left me with incredible fatigue, even though I'm back at work. On my days working from home I take a two-hour break in the middle of the day. Along with my other issues, I'm even more weary than ever. 

2024 was a rough year. So what's the plan, Lord?

God is faithful. Here's a meme I found that sums it up:

Except, if I would just listen, God is telling me the plan all the time. I'm a little dense is all.

In a world that becomes increasingly hard to navigate, both physically and mentally, I am contemplating my next steps. Retirement in the next 2-3 years for sure; disability retirement a possibility. I'm still working from home two days a week, although this week I'm on vacation, which is nice. I almost didn't make it!

Finding a new place to live is a maybe - I know I can't continue in my cracker box converted shed much longer, and it's becoming difficult to keep up with chores and such. And downsizing - a definite need at my time in life. Who wants all this shit when I'm gone? No one, and I have to decide what I really need now.

And now it's a new year. Christmas was mostly uneventful, other than paying a lot of money to rent a car for the week, money that I could have used as part of a down-payment on a new car. And crawling toward my vacation - that last three weeks wasn't even as fun as it sounds.

This year also marks 11 years since My David passed away. I miss him still, especially now my life is a constant flow of all things chaotic. He grounded me in a way no one has ever done before, and he made me laugh. Now, so many years later, I still think of him and try to be the woman he thought I was.

And that's the thing. I want to be the woman I didn't have in my own life. It's a constant struggle to be me and not just "not my mother". The neurodivergent diagnosis helps, but as old as I am, the people around me still believe I'm making excuses.

I'm not making excuses, but I'm also done with a lot of the masking that has plagued my life, trying to fit into a world that I had no idea how to; the rest of the world has a script but I never got it and I am continually trying to catch up. 

However, to put it bluntly, that's on you, not me. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. At this time of life, I have to take care of myself, and if that means imagining Jesus sitting at the kitchen table with me in order to get things done, then that's what I'll do.