Not Making Excuses

It's been several months since I've posted. Sorry about that, but it's been a rough year.

It also was a hot hot summer, which means my physical needs overlapped with my emotional needs. The heat made it harder to both think about and do most chores at home; and work has been chaos, per usual.

The fall hasn't been much better. My car (that I JUST paid off) decided to quit on me and I'm without reliable transportation.

In September I attended a family reunion and caught Covid from my un-vaccinated sister, who was visiting from Texas. 

The Covid left me with incredible fatigue, even though I'm back at work. On my days working from home I take a two-hour break in the middle of the day. Along with my other issues, I'm even more weary than ever. 

2024 was a rough year. So what's the plan, Lord?

God is faithful. Here's a meme I found that sums it up:

Except, if I would just listen, God is telling me the plan all the time. I'm a little dense is all.

In a world that becomes increasingly hard to navigate, both physically and mentally, I am contemplating my next steps. Retirement in the next 2-3 years for sure; disability retirement a possibility. I'm still working from home two days a week, although this week I'm on vacation, which is nice. I almost didn't make it!

Finding a new place to live is a maybe - I know I can't continue in my cracker box converted shed much longer, and it's becoming difficult to keep up with chores and such. And downsizing - a definite need at my time in life. Who wants all this shit when I'm gone? No one, and I have to decide what I really need now.

And now it's a new year. Christmas was mostly uneventful, other than paying a lot of money to rent a car for the week, money that I could have used as part of a down-payment on a new car. And crawling toward my vacation - that last three weeks wasn't even as fun as it sounds.

This year also marks 11 years since My David passed away. I miss him still, especially now my life is a constant flow of all things chaotic. He grounded me in a way no one has ever done before, and he made me laugh. Now, so many years later, I still think of him and try to be the woman he thought I was.

And that's the thing. I want to be the woman I didn't have in my own life. It's a constant struggle to be me and not just "not my mother". The neurodivergent diagnosis helps, but as old as I am, the people around me still believe I'm making excuses.

I'm not making excuses, but I'm also done with a lot of the masking that has plagued my life, trying to fit into a world that I had no idea how to; the rest of the world has a script but I never got it and I am continually trying to catch up. 

However, to put it bluntly, that's on you, not me. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. At this time of life, I have to take care of myself, and if that means imagining Jesus sitting at the kitchen table with me in order to get things done, then that's what I'll do.

I am God's Creation. He doesn't do things badly.

 "I am a creation of God and the manifestation of His plan."

I got this quote from a website I discovered a few days ago. I can't remember which one LOL! but it absolutely resonated with me. 

I have always struggled with the dichotomy of my faith versus my feelings. I have never fitted in, either at church or outside of it. I didn't even really fit in my family, although a part of that is because our neuro-divergence is genetic and no one of us fit very well with the others.

But my faith in God is also what kept us together as a family. It wasn't easy to grow up around my mother, but she at least kept us going to church on Sundays and she tried her best, I'm sure, to navigate her own faith according to her understanding of that that looked like.

"God created Autism to offset the excessive number of boring people on earth"

I got this meme from Pinterest. I love the idea that we are all part of the Body of Christ. Sometimes, I think I'm the big toe, but really my neuro-diversity means I'm the little bit of the brain that smells colors and sees music.

My little sister (in-law) is a very linear thinker. So is my ex-husband. Ask either of them how they do math, it's all about straight lines and remembered rules. Ask me how I do math, and I'll tell you what color the number 2 is, and what patterns I see in the equations in front of me. I look at a problem and see the solution, but don't ask me how I got there. 

I'm not calling my sister or ex boring. I'm saying there's more to my neuro-diversity to be celebrated than most people might perceive. 

"I thought I was bad at life. It turns out I was bad at living a neuro-typical life"

Another Pinterest meme. I absolutely identify with this statement. Unfortunately, everyone else is busy living their normal lives around me and get frustrated with me for not being like them. Sometimes that hurts worse.

I've had people ask me if I've heard of Temple Grandin. I see posts everywhere about famous people who were/are neuro-divergent. I look at other's success despite or because of their neuro-divergence and I am discouraged by the fact that I'm not as successful in my life.

That's nonsense, I know that. I raised four successful children, I am gainfully employed, I am creative, passionate and gifted. But I still feel a lack because my giftedness has a short attention span and I'm unable to use my gifts to, for instance, stay financially stable or some days even clean my house.

My therapist gave me a book to read called "How to Keep House While Drowning". I don't get any affiliate money from this (because I can't figure out how to do that) but it's an incredibly insightful look at the issues involved in being neuro-divergent as an adult.

I'm not done reading it - busy with work, busy with, yes, cleaning house. I also need new reading glasses, and my prescription is an expensive one. But I'm looking forward to learning more about what she has to say, and learning more about myself.

I'm not sure what else I had in mind when I started this post. Some days are like that.

Ecclesiastes 3:11, “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end” (NLT).

Adult Autism in the over-50's Population

There isn't a lot out there for us. Most Autism resources are geared toward children and teens, with a few addressing the growing population that has aged out of school and is learning independence.

I never got that. 

And I'm sure most neuro-divergent people over the age of 30 have had the same problem - no one wants to hear that there's an issue, they mostly just want us to fit into their idea of "grown-up".

I grew up very fast when I had my first child. I was a single mom at the age of 21 and I had to struggle to find and keep a job while finding daycare and emotional support. I managed, mostly, but with a lot of help from my oldest brother and my younger brother and his wife/girlfriend. When I met my ex-husband, I was living on my brother's couch and the baby's crib was in the living room next to me.

I also had people my age at church that didn't care if I was a single mom. Older folk, not so much. But I survived.

But between raising kids, being married and all the learning I had to do in order to function, it was quite the curve. It was a miracle that, without understanding the reason, my ex and I decided that being a stay-at-home mom was the best thing. And looking back, despite financial issues and finally the end of my marriage, I believe it was the right thing to do.

So I raised my kids, eventually pulling them out of public school and homeschooling them, not only for the sake of their education but because I also had trouble understanding the social cues of being a "PTA parent". I also couldn't understand the lack of proper education in the public school system, but that's another beef for another time.

I've mentioned before (long ago in another post) that I loved homeschooling. It was fun for me to organize everything, and fun to learn along with my kids. It wasn't fun that I had trouble recognizing my own neuro-diversity in my children. But homeschooling, in a way, celebrated that. Teaching to the individual instead of the group, something I wish I'd had in my childhood.

Unfortunately, after my divorce, I ended up putting my two youngest into public school, a decision I wish I hadn't had to make due to having to go back to work full-time to support them. My thought is that, of all my kids, my youngest would have thrived if he'd been able to continue to work independently. And my youngest daughter, it was very hard for her to adjust after only being homeschooled.

I wish I could have helped more. I made some very bad decisions during this time, both financially and socially, although everyone graduated high school on time, and I'm very proud of all my kids.

The point here is not me apologizing for everything I could have done better, but stating something that should have been obvious from the beginning: I am neuro-diverse and despite a long line of therapists and psychiatrists, it's only now that I'm discovering that.

And as I've said before, after 62 years, I've developed scripts, strategies and coping mechanisms in order to function in a society that says they support diversity but don't really mean it. That my neuro-diversity has finally been addressed is a validation of everything that went on before.

BTW, I checked into getting an "official" diagnosis - the least costly for an adult Autism diagnosis is $4500. Outrageous. So I stick with what my therapist and doctor have told me, take my meds as directed and try to get on with my life.

But the resources available are limited because I'm not a child, I survived my teens and twenties, went on to raise a family. People see that surface and don't believe anything other than I'm crazy (or that I don't have enough faith in God).

I'm not crazy. I'm not lazy. I'm not stupid. I do have enough faith in God (mustard seed quote here). But I see the world differently than you, react to it differently than you, get overwhelmed more easily than you, need down time more often than you.

I might look like you and have learned to act like you some of the time, but I'm not you. I have lived a generally good life, despite my own errors and being neuro-diverse. I hope someone who reads this might realize how wonderful they are in God's eyes even if they aren't 'normal'.

Isaiah 54:10: God's unconditional love is a promise to you of His compassion. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Invisible

Neuro-divergency is often ignored by both the person who is neuro-divergent and/or the people around that person. I've spoken before about how different people in my life have treated me over the years and how separate I've always felt.

In the interests of (fairly) full disclosure, I had to take several months off from work because of stress-related issues, and discovered several things about myself.

One, I was re-diagnosed yet again, and this time it actually makes sense. The diagnosis is, of course, ADHD and Autism. I think I already knew that, but it's nice to have it validated by a diagnosis. One of the diagnosis criteria tests scored me as 199 out of 163. That's a big number

Of course, being almost 62, I have spent years creating strategies and habits in order to present normal to the world; however, not a lot of people are willing to believe I'm not like them. They believe I just need to pull out of myself and get it together. 

Nope.

Here's a blog post from an adult on the spectrum about the true meaning of "high-functioning". She got it spot-on.

https://autisticempath.com/dont-call-me-high-functioning/

This is partly why going back to church has been so hard for me to do. The expectations of the other sinners can become both obnoxious and frightening. Having to sit outside the sanctuary just to be able to concentrate on the sermon, well that looks anti-social. 

The Church, especially Evangelicals, expect everyone to participate and don't understand the one person out of a hundred who can't do crowds, is sensitive to loud noise and needs something to keep their hands busy in order to listen better. My mother drew pictures, I crochet.

My Christianity has always, and will continue to be, about service. It's just that the older I get, the less I want to get stuck in any ministry that will wear me out emotionally. Lately, that's basically everything.

Anyhow, back to self-discovery.

Two, I spent a lot of time in both group and individual therapy. It is there that I realized that I don't actually have to live up to everyone else's expectations. I have been a people-pleaser all my life, going all the way back to trying to get my mother to actually love me.

And there's the rub - my mother, from going through my own issues and memory lane, was probably neuro-divergent. I can see that she probably never had the opportunity to learn some of the tools I have, and had a difficult time "fitting in" the same way I do. 

However, this doesn't mean she shouldn't have tried a little harder. 

That sounds petty, but the fact is, I was still the birth-control pill she forgot one morning. I was still "nervous jervis". I was still like my crazy grandmother. My brother and I were still the extra kids she never should have had.

I tried so very hard not to treat my children the way I was treated. I was not a perfect mother, I had my moments, as I'm sure my children will tell you. But I made a very conscious effort to love my children unconditionally. And none of them were mistakes - any mistakes were my own.

Three, I am creative, passionate and loving. A neuro-divergent diagnosis does not negate these qualities; they are a large part of who I am as a whole person. I am also abrupt, bossy, highly sensitive and a small-picture person. That is also me.

I y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.

Four, my neuro-divergence isn't an excuse, but it's also not an apology. I'm done people-pleasing, especially at work, now that I'm back.

I have put a lot of myself into my job, and even though I don't react the same way to situations as someone else might, it doesn't mean I don't care about my work, care that it's done accurately and to the best of my ability. I care about our population, I care that we have the resources to serve that community.

But my job is not your job, and I'm done doing your job for you. I'm done being the office mom (except when it comes to wiping down the front counter and changing the date stamp - that's the OCD)

I'm done.

Five, my children still love me. My daughters especially have been my support for the past 5 months. And I hope my sons know how much I love them, will always love all of them until my dying day.

That's pretty much all. I'm still struggling to make ends meet after being on extended disability, which barely covered the bills for a couple of months. But God is faithful, even when I'm hiding out at home on a Sunday morning.

Here's a verse to ponder:

2 Timothy 2:13

If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who he is.

God will always love me and take care of me.