It's Christmastime again, almost two full years since I last posted here. COVID came and we all hunkered down, except my job doesn't allow me to work from home.
My job has me dealing with a demographic that can't find real jobs, needs me to hold their hands (or other appendages) through the process; basically they don't respect themselves so they don't respect anyone else. That includes me.
I could use a vacation about now.
So yeah, the past two years have been a bit stressful. And the past two months have been worse than that.
I read through a couple of my previous posts just now, speaking of my mental illness and the consequences of allowing circumstances to dictate my reactions. It's not easy, but the emotional energy I've had to expend lately is really pulling me down.
No, I haven't been to church in almost two years. It started because of COVID and not having a car, but it has turned into just not wanting to put myself out there anymore.
The older I get, the less nonsense I can tolerate, even from myself. Church, in general, isn't nonsense, but the past few years of Evangelicalism being co-opted by a blatant anti-Christian occupant in the White House and his sycophant followers has me wishing more and more for the Rapture.
I sit here, listening to Bing Crosby ('tis the season after all) and wish I could just go to church and worship.
I grew up knowing that being part of the Body of Christ means service, so I try to do that wherever I end up. It used to be music and Children's ministries, but the last time I was teaching Sunday School, it just didn't click anymore.
I used to be the church choir director, too, but the passion for that went away after David died. He was a musician too, and not being able to share that with him meant that I couldn't share it with anyone else. I grieved for two years after he passed, had a minor breakdown and it's taken me six more years to even out into a (mostly) mature woman.
At this point in my life, most Protestant so-called worship is too selfish and too self-centered instead of God-centered, and way too loud. The current worship leader at the church where I was going thinks he's Jon Bon Jovi. Basically, it doesn't lead me to worship, it leads me to turn off the sound on the YouTube broadcast until the Pastor gets up.
For awhile, back when David was alive, I went around the corner to the local Catholic church. My very Protestant upbringing kept me from even walking into a Catholic church for years and years. When I finally went, it was an experience I didn't know I would love until I did it.
Actually, I disagree strongly with several Catholic doctrines, including worshiping the Virgin Mary, purgatory and praying to saints. Scripture clearly says that 'THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME', that to be absent in the Body is to be present with the Lord, and that Jesus is our High Priest.
But I love the Catholic Liturgy, the cadence of Mass and the absolute faith in God that, to me, permeates every part of the service.
I'm not a Catholic so I can't take Communion at Mass, but that doesn't bother me. God knows my heart, and when I do go to a Protestant church I take Communion when offered, confessing my sins before partaking, as we all should.
Sitting, kneeling and standing during Mass, though - the cadence and repetitiveness of the prayers speaks to me like nothing else. Repetitiveness isn't quite the right word - it's something more along the lines of having the words ready to speak rather than fumbling for something to say to God when I don't know what to say.
So . . . lately I've been considering going back to Mass on Sundays. I'm not talking about "converting", whatever that means since Catholics are not cultists like Mormons or JW or Scientology. In any case, it's not about that.
It's about allowing myself to sink into a worshipful atmosphere where I don't have to worry about the next step because it's all planned out already. It's about allowing the Holy Spirit to come down and speak peace into my soul. It's about hearing the Word of God relative to the season and how it's new every time.
It's about forgetting myself and remembering that God the Holy Spirit is in me, God the Father knows all and loves me unconditionally and God the Son, Jesus Christ suffered, died and rose again in order that I might live for Him.
I need to remember all that every day, but somehow, for me, going to Mass makes that happen more. No one expects me to help out in the Nursery, no one actually cares that I'm not taking Communion (at least not so far) and no one has any great expectations of me except to be a part of the whole, lifting my eyes and heart to God.
God Bless us, everyone.
